Rapture Report: Four Totally Serious Tips to Ensure Your Salvation

You've probably heard some of the recent chatter surrounding the impending apocalypse, a prediction concocted and then disseminated by Family Radio broadcaster Harold Camping.

Camping, who practices a hybrid of Christianity, numerology and good old fashioned AM evangelism, has determined from his studies of the bible that the Rapture will be occurring tomorrow Saturday, May 21.

Now, we know what you're thinking, because we're thinking it too. Camping's prediction sounds apocryphal, fanatical and maybe even a little dangerous. But, when has it ever hurt to stack the deck? If folks start ascending toward the heavens tomorrow, I know I'll feel pretty silly about not having a backup plan.

One important distinction to draw when considering Camping's prediction is that he is not actually predicting the end of the world. In fact, according to Camping, the fireball-zombie-dinosaur apocalypse doesn't pop-off until October 21. What's planned for tomorrow is more like an invite only shuttle-bus to a hyper-exclusive intergalactic mixer at Club Eternity. According to Camping, heathens aren't on the guest-list, and unless you want to be stuck on earth when the fire-breathing pterodactyls show up, the time to repent is now. It also wouldn't hurt to put a few good deeds on your résumé, either. So, without further ado, here are five ways to ensure salvation before the rapture.

Number 1:

Participate in the Last Dodgeball Tournament Ever.

Registration is $25 for two people and $40 for four. The proceeds go to the Eagle Rock Yacht Club, who are hoping to establish a free screen printing class at the Glassell Park Recreation and Senior Center. The tournament kicks off tomorrow at 12 p.m. at the Glassell Park Senior Center on 3700 N.  Verdugo Rd. You'll be doing something positive for children and if it doesn't work out, you'll at least be near a stockpile of projectile weapons to ward off the zombie hordes.


Adopt a pet from the North Central Animal Shelter in Cypress Park.

We're no theologians, but we know the Bible definitely says something about "whatsoever you do to the least of my creatures, that you do unto me." Who lesser to offer a helping hand to than the animals currently without homes at the North Central Animal Shelter at 3201 Lacy Street? Of course, if you're not ready to welcome a new member to your family, this deed might end up doing more harm than good. However, you can always make a visit. Folks at the shelter say they could always use a hand walking the animals.

Write a letter to LAUSD, urging them to fund music programs at local schools.

According to the Los Angeles Secondary Music Teachers Association, approximately 160 music teachers are scheduled to be cut from LAUSD's payroll for the coming school year. In response, they are urging parents who want to preserve music classes to write letters to the LAUSD Board of Trustees. Among the teachers scheduled to lose their job is Veronica Gonzalez, who runs the band program at . If this cause stirs your soul, doing something to help just may save it.

Participate in a clean up of Memorial Square.

The good folks of American Legion Post 206 are planning a Memorial Service to take place on Memorial Day--Monday, May 30--at the Veteran's Square located at the intersection of York and Figueroa. They're in need of some volunteers to show up tomorrow morning to participate a clean-up of the square. If you're interested in donating some time to this good cause, you can connect with Rick Marquez of the Historic Highland Park Neighbohrood Council at (323) 945-6222 to find out what kind of help is needed.

In all honesty, we hope none of you are too worked up over Camping's prediction. Enjoy your weekend,  and if you feel inspired to do some good deeds, have at it. If not? We're confident you'll have plenty of time to make up for it.