How do I do Oscar Sunday?
1.) Avoid all networking opportunities, I mean, “Oscar Parties”
If you are wide-eyed dreamer aspiring to work in “the industry,” you’ve heard that every social invitation is a career opportunity. Nothing is off limits. You’re stranded in L.A. for Christmas? Don’t Skype with your family. Find a networking opportunity! Your dog just died? Join a support group! A big-time producer could be mourning the loss of her prized pooch as well. JUMP ON THAT!
So it would stand to reason that any Oscar party in L.A. is going to be a gaggle of wananbes and hanger-ons dying to hand out business cards and talk shop. My business cards are at the bottom of my purse covered in the Subway crumbs. And I haven’t done laundry in nearly 2 weeks.
2.) Pregame with a marathon of Oxygen’s “Snapped”
Oscars or no Oscars, it’s still Sunday afternoon and I’ve already seen every episode of Law and Order: SVU.
Because you never know when your dog is going to run away. Never know when he’s gonna get that sweet sweet taste of freedom and bolt down Figueroa. Oh wait, I’m lying. He’s going to do it EVERY SINGLE TIME I’m barefoot, bra-less, and haven’t washed my hair.
Also, I may or may not have a mini panic attack about career prospects and decide that I better the hell go to that Oscar Mixer.
4.) Tune into the E! Red Carpet coverage
By this time, I’m already 3 hours late to the game. Gotta catch up.
5.) Buy some Andre
Inspired by Hollywood’s fashionable leading ladies, I’ll realize that I too deserve some glamour in my life. I showered after all. So I’ll walk over to CVS and buy some Andre Champagne. It’s almost always on sale and it’s never done me wrong. Except the “Cold Duck” flavor. But with a name like that, it’s my own damn fault.
6.) Unplug from social media
Aside from the networking aspect, I avoid viewing parties at all costs because they turn into a snark-fest. We get it. You think the Oscars are stupid so you’re going to talk over the entire ceremony, trying to one-up your friends with your biting wit. Twitter and Facebook inevitably lead to the very same thing. From the comedians you thought you respected to your mom, everyone wants to get a piece of the low-hanging fruit.
7.) Pop them bottles, sit back, and cry my eyes out
It’s Oscars time. The pageantry has begun. The clips are rolling. The jokes are landing and bombing. The first presenters share an awkward exchange. A winner is announced. The speech begins…
And I’m crying.
This will happen during every single speech. And if they brought their mom as a date or their dad is dead or they tell their kids at home, “time to go to bed,” it’s all over. I’m a mess of uncontrollable emotion, Spumante, and Oinkster leftovers.
This may be the real reason why I avoid Oscar parties. Not because I’m too cool for school, but because I can’t stop crying. And I sincerely wish I could tell you why. Maybe it’s because I’m a competitive person and ‘winning’ is one of the greatest joys in life. Maybe it’s because I just love rhetoric whether it’s an acceptance speech, State of the Union address, or a damn good WWE promo.
Or maybe it’s because I want to feel what they are feeling someday. Crying my eyes out over actual champagne. Thanking my husband and telling the dog he can “go back to sleep now.”